ORIGINALLY POSTED JANUARY 7, 2016
I guess I’ve been writing this for an entire year while trying to find words that seemed right, 365 days ago I lost a person incredibly important to me, and it has been an accumulation of anger and hatred and confusion and remembrance and emptiness, but it hasn’t all been awful and that’s the most terrible part. I had always heard that the heaviest possible emotion to be felt is loss and whoever felt that first was not lying. Missing someone takes all the zest from something as simple as your senses, I remember I had that moment just like in the movies when the color of the lights change and you know something terrible had happened, it was just like that; the world through my eyes oozed sadness. But, then I realized the worst part of it all…the world around me wasn’t stopping. Something that had affected me and so many people I love so deeply, didn’t effect the random person on the street and that enraged me. A ‘sunshine’ girl left my classroom and never came back; how dare a person with a heart not ache over the fact that someone that added color to the world around her ceased to exist? She had added pieces to the essential person that I am, how is the loss of that not terminally crippling, and the answer to that is that it is and that it isn’t…. My heart will forever break for the person that she didn’t get to become, but I get to see her all the time. Well, I wish I could see her infectious smile again, but I get to see her in the lives of the people around me. Every single person who crossed paths with her gained an ingredient essential to who they are, so there are thousands of her spirit roaming around, brightening lives, teaching the Z way. That is what made her loss survivable, not losing her all together. Before she was even gone she gave the most beautiful parts of herself to the people she loved and now it’s just our job to give that spirit a full life.
For me, I gained a lot of my sense of adventure from her. She loved to travel and I was lucky enough to accompany her on one of her many adventures away from home. What she had was magnetic. You wanted to do what she was doing because there was no doubt you’d laugh and yell and dance. In that moment with her, I went from a person to saw the world to a person who wanted to delve in and submerge myself in new cultures and talk to new people. I went from a traveler to a true adventurer.
One of the last exchanges we had was a tweet of mine that she retweeted (minuscule, I know) but it said “I refuse to live a mediocre life.” She refused to and because of her, I do too. She was invincible, but she carried the most fragile thing of all around, a life. Because I got to miss, I cannot waste the moments I am allowed. I want to love fiercely and go on incredible adventures because I have such an incredible gift of another day, and I was so blessed to get a small piece of a phenomenal person, that piece of me deserves to be shown off. Even if one person reads this, don’t save all your love for a person that can’t feel it anymore; love now and don’t miss someone you don’t have to. Life is entirely too short to leave words unsaid and stones unturned. Don’t live a life of mediocrity, I had the opportunity to learn this lesson from a magnificent teacher, but please don’t let loss drive this desire.