So, yesterday on my instagram I asked people to ask me anything they wanted to know, because I thought doing a little Q&A would be fun, and I got one question. Yep, one. Which funnily enough goes along with the topic of this post and I am enormously thankful for it. It was from a friend of mine (hey, Abbey!) and she asked “What’s been the high of your college experience thus far?” and I thought “Hannah, you have to answer with what’s been on your heart for weeks…
Lately, Ever since I have started College I have been put in some uncomfortable positions and for the longest time I absolutely dreaded them. I was angry, frustrated that it seemed like every single part of my life that I once loved seemed to be overcome by either awkward outgrowth or overwhelming inadequacy and my response was to sit and dwell, asking myself why wasn’t my ‘hardwork’ equating to success as it had so many times before?
Some exposition: My entire life I had always worked hard and by result gotten exactly what I wanted. I’m not going to say things were given to me because I absolutely worked hard and was driven, but hardwork equaled success without many obstacles in between. Sure charisma, creativity and a positive attitude came into play but those were just parts of my hard work. Once college started it seemed working hard just dug my wheels further into the mud and left me stuck, leaving the thoughts of one day seeing the fruits of my labor a distant daydream.
And yes, I am talking about my blog, school… it seemed like every aspect of my life slipped out from under me.
One day, I just got sick of it. To be completely honest, I got sick of mourning “what coulda been” “what I thought would exist” ect, I thought “I’m standing in a room (metaphorically and literally) where I am one of the worst, how lucky am I?” I had/have the opportunity to take every grueling step to the top, and I may read this one day and realize how wrong I was, but right now I think not being allowed to take shortcuts will be essential to the person I am becoming.
I have taken everyone else one out my equation. I’m not trying to ‘beat’ them, I’m trying to beat me.
So, yeah… My blog didn’t jump thousands of followers in the matter or months, but today when I reached 1000 followers I got to have that feeling of every single one of these people is following me because they want to follow me and not because I bought them or wooed them with any other means. My schooling didn’t turn out like I always dreamed, but I have people willing to help build me brick by brick; they get excited with me when I see growth and help me make valuable progress when I feel like I’ve taken my seat at the lowest notch on the totem pole. Some friendships and even familial relationships didn’t thrive even though I felt my entire world was in them, but now I can look around and see a bunch of people (ladies especially) that would drop everything to do anything for me and I no longer feel alone.
I may walk in as the worst, but I won’t leave that way. I’m glad humility has made me uncomfortable and, frankly, given me a big huge slap to my face. I won’t lie and say I still don’t struggle, of course I do, but I am getting so much further by working hard from where I am. It’s special; I feel happy, because for the first time potentially ever I have fought for every single ounce of growth within me and it feels really good.
So, a year ago this would have been my answer for the worst part about college, but now this is where I am.