lately I have been seeing the world in a way I always prayed I never would. I have seen the truly ugly parts. I’ve lived them. I have seen my friends and my family fight through horrific parts of life. The parts that turn your TV screen grey and make your chest feel empty. This has a lot to do with me, of course. The filter of light and zest in front of my eyes has been removed only to reveal one where i pick apart the sad and find the hatred. I cuss more than I pray and that kills me. Hate is a hammer that breaks the happy, and it’s broken me. I alwasy preach about being truly kind and I’m not, I wish I were. God, I wish I were. I would give anything to look at all the bad in the world with my veil of kindness, but when my heart breaks for myself and for others, I can’t help but not only blame hate, but use it as my tactic as well. I am not even capable of being a good friend anymore because I’m fighting for what I think is right or what I think I want, but I’m only using hateful ways to get there. Who is this person? Why when the world stops loving do I turn to stone and become the thing I truly loathe the most. I always want people to love when I’m not even doing it myself. My kind spirit used to be my favorite part of me, now I’m mourning it. I’ve let the negative begin to control and now it’s just holding me underwater. How many metaphors to I have to write for it to end?
I used to be a fighter.