lately, I have been overcome with bitterness. So many areas of my life haven’t been fitting the mold that I have created for them and this obsession with making my life ‘right’ has consumed me. I keep trying to force the way I want things to be into God’s plan, when my mere thoughts get swallowed whole by the life full of adventure He has planned. I have been confused why relationships haven’t been flourishing like I wish, or how everyone’s life has just seemed to fall together, when I don’t really have a clue of what my future holds, but I keep trying to remind myself that I have no idea what’s right for me. I have become bitter when I see my friends in their “perfect” relationships and friendships, but I pray to remember that future husband and I just aren’t in the right moment and that friends will come. I have become bitter when I feel like my hard work hasn’t been noticed and my heart breaks because things I love so much and have committed SO much time to don’t find the same worth in me. I have become bitter when I see people becoming ultra successful and have their entire lives planned out, but I know that God knows my destination and knows exactly how to get there.
I have felt like I have been dragging my feet and I just want someone to pick me up and throw me exactly where I belong, but if I just walk by faith, that’s pretty much exactly what will happen. I cannot let what I want myself to be keep me from loving the Hannah that God has put so much time into, I see so much perfection in God’s plans for my friends and His creations; mine is no different and I have no right to feel that mine is less special. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and His plans for me are exactly that as well.
a few months ago, I was speaking to a very special lady in my life and she was telling me how she felt God just wanted her to be still and lately that has popped up in my thoughts quite often. I will be driving and just stressing about what I think I need and that thought will venture into my head to just be still and let God work. God works in HIS time, never ever ours. I am a firm believer to work hard for what you want and to show God that you are willing to take the first step, but once God knows you’re willing to use your blessing there’s no need to rush. Why rush a perfect plan? It is so difficult to give up the idea of perfect. My fight for perfection is my biggest flaw. My prayer is that I have the strength to give up, give up my anxieties for the future, give up my anger when plans cancel or when things don’t fall into place, give up all the bitterness in my heart and just learn to truly enjoy life again.
I am excited for what is to come, I just have to quit forcing my ways and relax into what God wants for His child.
“I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me. I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency.” (Philippians 4:13)